surviving.

Roughly 365 days ago I wrote out my intensions for a bright new year. Great intensions of less screen time, more date nights, less top knots, more running, more time for myself (ha), more water, less wine (ha, again)— the list goes on and on. Instead I got the complete opposite. Spending nearly 365 days with my children in tow. 3 months away from my husband– ipso facto equaling zero date nights. Running was a fun past time of 2019 and getting dressed up in anything other than athletic wear was something to celebrate. I saw my friends only a handful of times and I certainly didn’t explore new coffee shop corners. Let’s not even mention the wine. Rather than going on and on about what a sham of a year it was. I’m going to share what I gained, reasons to be thankful and the few glimmers of light I found in those dark crevasses.

March 2020– A bitter farewell.

Our family embarked on a cross country drive, leaving some of our fondest days behind us as we said goodbye to the sunshine state. 12 days on the road in our 7 seater expedition from Jacksonville, Florida to Seattle, Washington, during the (1st) peak of covid-19.  Not to mention, in the midst of a national stay at home lock down. (We had a government exemption, luckily). It was supposed to be an all American site-seeing road trip of a lifetime, what we got however, was so much more— We were like creatures of the night roaming a planet with little life on it. We saw Mt Rushmore with no one else around. We summited mountains with not a soul on them. We walked national parks with miles upon miles of space between any other being. We stayed at vacant hotels smelling of lysol and bleach and ran the halls like the wild banshees we were. We ate meals from gas stations and had side of the road picnics in vacant lots of boarded shops.

We made memories that are burned within us, traveling in to a portal of time that we surely were not prepared for. Memories we will share with our kids when they are old enough to understand the gravity of those 12 days on the road.

We survived this.

April 2020 — Honey we’re home.

My mother took all five of us in to her home. What was supposed to be (a running theme here) a few short weeks, ended up being nearly seven whole months. Colin and I slumbered on a mattress on the floor in the back living room surrounded by wardrobes made of cardboard boxes. Most of our belongings were left taped in boxes with high hopes of diving in to them in a matter of months living down under. {9 months later we still haven’t gotten those boxes…..any day now🤞🏼}. It wasn’t perfect, it had its bumps like you’d expect.

Those seven months however, provided me with something more precious than a closet and a bed lifted from the floor. I was given a gift of TIME– unscheduled time with my Mother. Many people don’t get to spend even a day with their parents. Maybe they are no longer with us, perhaps you’re estranged. Maybe you’re keeping your distance for their own safety this year. I feel lucky for that time, imperfect as it was. Even luckier for my children, who spent that uncharacteristic time with their grandparents. A safe place to call home. We had family meals, shared duties and of course, always someone to watch ‘queer eye’ with after the boys turned in for the night. I had help navigating virtual school and someone to lighten the load while raising 3 kids when Daddy was away. We had cocktails ‘not’ always at cocktail hour and still made memories that will mark as the craziest year of my life.

We survived this.

June 2020. Im leaving on a jet plane.

Colin was set to travel for work to Dallas, Texas. Despite eye rolls and imminent judgement I was determined to join him. Marriages need time to connect, our marriage needed time to connect. Away from the chaos of the daily grind– especially during this exhaustion of a year. And lets be honest, living with your mother in-law kind of puts a kink in the romance department (no offense, Mom). We needed time to talk, to listen, to plan. We were about to embark on a journey of life that was mostly out of our control. We were either sending Colin to Australia only to return a few months later and that be the end, door closed; OR we were sending Colin to Australia in hopes of joining him a few months after. We had no idea which outcome was coming. Either way, we needed those few days to just, be.

Masked up, purell on tap we set off to the South. Certainly not the VACATION most desired, but it allowed us to have breathing room, together. To slow the rollercoaster we had jumped on for just one moment. It allowed us to laugh again, to let our gaurd down for a moment and remember that no matter what– we will be okay, as long as we had each other. We walked the mostly quiet streets listening to the calm that was around us. We sat on rooftops with the sun shining upon us dreaming of a life we were hoping was ahead. We found real bits of happiness in that southern town.

We survived this.

July 2020– Its not goodbye, its see you later.

Not knowing exactly when we would be together again, we embraced for the last time as we watched Daddy walk away. We were supposed to fly off into the sunset together, as a family, but this wasn’t the story that unfolded just yet. Rian, Teagan, Leo and I were left sobbing in the car as we made our way home, without him. At this time the kids and I hadn’t been permitted to travel to Australia with the borders now closed. The exemption only permitted him, as he was considered an essential employee. These were some of the most difficult few months of my life. 3 children. Homeschooling. Living somewhat nomadic. Visits with friends and family were sparse and certainly not in the capacity I needed. But it was a summer of growth. I learned a great deal about myself in those months. I learned the mountains really were my safe place, its where I felt most grounded and at peace. The noise of the world is shut off and I could breathe steady and think clearly.

I learned the beach is where my heart was most happy. The kids and I found our way there over and over when the days were tough. Where we could find pieces of joy in every sunset and breaking wave. My heart felt rest, when the sun set. Knowing I just had to get through one day at a time.

I survived this.

August 2020 — A little bit of magic.

August was tough. Emotionally I was at my breaking point. The nation was at odds, covid, fires, you all know the story. I had a half hearted wild-whim of an idea to go to the desert in the middle of summer. All it took was my best friend Tarah to say yep, let’s do it, without even batting an eye. Both desperate for a change— We packed up 5 kids 2 adults and drove 17 hrs to Palm Springs, California. Despite fires blazing in Northern California, record temps of 100+ and 5 children under the age of 7. There we were. Was is comical at times, sure. What wild, off the cuff adventure isn’t? After an isolated summer and constant “sorry we cant do thats” we gave our children a gift. A week long play date with friends (not over zoom). Swim sessions that lasted in to dusk. Movie nights in the warm dessert air. Little bits of magic for those kids. As for us adults, we had bits of magic too. Girlfriends we hadn’t seen or hugged in months joined our “quaranteam” for a couple days, was just what the soul needed. We had conversations that actually mattered. We shared meals, yummy wine and enjoyed tipsy night swims when the kids were finally down. We braced for homeschooling and assured each other that everything was gonna be alright.

We found little bits of magic in that dessert.

Together, we survived this.

October 2020– 14 nights 15 days.

Sydney Australia. Liv Apartments, mandatory two week quarantine. Not the way I imagined my introduction to Australia. But here we were, come hell or high water.

Imagine spending every waking minute with your family in 600 square feet of space. Imagine having a door you cannot cross the threshold, not even for a walk. No swoop by the grocery store or a drive thru coffee. Now imagine that, along with food deliveries you wouldn’t even force on your children. What resembled the likings of cat food and strange colored side dishes you couldn’t even name. Lame efforts of “maybe ill eat that later” became obvious over time as we just began putting them straight in the garbage. (fyi: We cringed at the waste– trust me, we tried to have them stop deliveries, with no luck). Internet was junk, 2 COVID tests lurking and time was endless.

15 days ahead of us, we gave it our all– to welcome a time of rest, a time where absolutely nothing needed to be accomplished. When is the last time you allowed yourself that luxury? There is a sense of peace it actually brings. To be honest, it wasn’t that unbearable. We binged watched (too many shows) without guilt– Star Wars’ entire collection, films we had intended to see for years. We soaked in every bit of sunlight our patio shone. We celebrated Halloween unconventionally, threw a Toga party for royalty. We played board games , built forts and puzzled our way through the weeks, even managed an Uber eats sushi date with no kids (in sight). Wine helped the boredom that came after 5pm, and quiet bubble baths helped our sanity. We felt every hour that ticked, but dreamt of what was outside those doors.

We survived this.

November 2020. G’day

We live in Adelaide, Australia. Words that still feel strange coming out of my mouth. We navigated some of the most difficult circumstances and challenging set backs we could imagine. Nothing unfolded how it was intended, but what last year did? However, against all odds, we are HERE– taking in each day as the gift it is. A gift of freedom, a gift of safety, a gift of joy.

I can take my children to a park, a luxury I hadn’t realized until it they were caution-taped off. I can let my children play, without fear that their asthma puts them at high risk. I can hug a friend and not feel shame. Our pile of masks are washed and tucked away in a drawer for a time I don’t have to think about. My family can go outside and explore as we love so much to do. These are luxuries I took for granted. These seeming small, what used to be normalcies now have new meaning. These normalcies are what I’m so beyond grateful for today. Nothing is perfect of course, even with sweeping ocean views and a COVID free world. Certainly there are gnawings of daily life and a loneliness being so far from anyone I call family. I do not believe a new year is going to wipe the slate clean and everything will be great again. But I do know, for today, I’m living a life I’ve dreamt of for nearly 5 years. I surely hope to live it as justly as I can.

We are living this.

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If last year taught me anything, it is that family and your village are most important. Lean on them. Marry the one you’re willing to spend 24 hours a day with over and over and over. Wash your hands. Cover your mouth. Find your places of joy and be there, as much and as often as you can. Watch more sunrises or sunsets. Be grateful for your health and take care of it. Get outside. Find spontaneity where you can. Check in on loved ones. Give yourself grace. Survive one day at a time. Find peace wherever you can and hold on to it as tight as you can.

2020 was an awakening and for that, I’m thankful.