hello, I am a mom of three

Hi, hello, it’s been awhile. A long while, in fact.

Allow me to reintroduce myself, I’m Vanessa. I am a wife, a mother, a right brainer, an introvert who practices extrovert-ness, an empath, a creator, an anti-homebody, a wanderlust kind of dreamer.

I used to be many things, before kids and even at times after. But then, I had baby, my third actually (yay, Leo!) and now I’m slowly, very slowly, trying to find my way back to who I was.  A doer, a runner, a hiker, a smoothie bowl enthusiast. A multitasking-pro, a text back right away, 8 hour a night sleeper type of girl. I was a maker. An expert other shoe finder and sometimes even a creative writer. I could squeeze in workouts in any window of opportunity, drink all my water and still manage to check in with friends and family, fairly regularly. I feel like I had things pretty dialed in. At least I thought?

As for now, I’m hanging in there. Some days better than others. Trying to find my way, again. Finding the pieces that have been scattered around, attempting to place them back where they once were. Perhaps I may not find the exact way, perhaps it will look different this time.

I’d like to believe that is the beauty of evolving and growing, that there can be different ways of looking at something and it still being just as great.

When you have children, life changes inevitably– life gets busier, more chaotic, more interesting, laughable even at times. It’s a constant juggling act and will surely keep you on your toes.  It can be equally as challenging as it can rewarding all in a matter of minutes and that’s before you even had your first cup of coffee. Am I right? To be honest, some days are tough. Hell, some days are tough without having to care for tiny humans.  Add three tiny humans to be responsible for, it can be overwhelming. It can feel like your drowning at times, even.  After coming off a really difficult pregnancy (mentally and physically), its been hard to catch my breath and feel whole again. I cannot help but notice the tiny parts of myself that have chipped away over the years.  Pieces of myself that have been lost. Maybe not forever, but for the time being.

I’ve lost the ability to do things quickly and efficiently, like I once could. I’ve lost any and all alone time. I’ve lost patience. I’ve lost the days where I can call a babysitter at the drop of a hat. I’ve lost my ab muscles and the ability to run more than a couple miles without feeling like I’m going to keel over. I’ve lost being able to keep up with laundry and maintain a perfectly tidy house. Friendships have surely suffered, because free time is sparse and planning a girls night takes weeks if not more, of preparation. I’ve lost a wrinkle free face and a gray hair free head. I’ve lost many hours of sleep and the ability to shower for more than increments of 3 minutes. I’ve lost the carefree attitude of shrugging off uncertainties and knowing I can’t always keep my babies safe. I’ve lost the ability to give my husband a full tank when he walks through the door after his own long day. I’ve lost the ability to look in the mirror and fully recognize the reflection staring back.

I know some of  these are just minor set backs and temporary. Especially the first year after a baby is born.  Some are things I may never get back. Casualties of the territory I like to say.  It can be hard to not just do it all and to snap your fingers and say “I’ve got this” because surely it’s possible. Worth it though? Probably not.

But you know what? In return I have gained so much.  I’ve gained super powers I have never had before. I can share my heart and love equally between four other beings. Three of them I created with my own body. I have gained a profound love and appreciation for my husband that I wouldn’t have known before. A love that differs from when it was just the two of us. I’ve gained a deeper understanding of what our parents sacrificed and endured raising us (without iPads and cell phones!) I can feed a baby in the shower while shaving my legs also simultaneously calming down my four year old who is in tears about not getting snacks, right.this.minute! I can do squats while I rock a baby to sleep and I can get three kids in and out of carseats in under a minute. I know that a bandaid and a kiss can help almost all owies. I know that mommy snuggles are never long enough before bedtime. I have learned that I can help shape three beings into loving, compassionate, empathic people. I can show them this beautiful life and world outside the confines of our own walls.  I can teach them that recycling matters and that we need to take care of our one earth. I have gained an intense appreciation for my body, not only for what it’s provided me but my babies too.

These are the gains I can be proud of. These are gains that are greater then what I’ve lost. As time goes on, I slowly am finding my way, redefining what it means to be me. Whichever hat I may be wearing: the mom hat, the strong woman hat, the wife hat, or the I’m a total train wreck today, hat. I’m learning to cut myself a little more slack. I’m reminded it’s not only acceptable, but it should be hard on days. It is no easy feat.

Life as a mom is messy and unpredictable. Its draining and impossible. My version is no different, certainly not perfect or even close to. No matter how many times it may look that way on your feed. But, I’m grateful for all that comes with it, the gains the loses and the in between.

  So heres to you mama, who may be in the same place. A little lost and a little found. Fighting our way through this crazy world, finding the balance. Or leaning in to the imbalance. Asking for grace. Here’s to finding a new normal and a different version– but just as important, you.

By, Vanessa Hughes