Have you ever missed something before it’s even gone?

Lately I have been having this undeniable sense of missing moments in time, before they are even gone. Almost a nostalgia for the present. A feeling that creeps from deep within, telling me, “you’re going to miss this.”

I sound completely nuts, huh? I don’t know if it’s the season I’m currently in. Or just trying so desperately to hold on to the instances I’m so grateful for and don’t want them to end. The catch is, I feel like I’m wasting time yearning for these precious moments before they have even passed. Like, hello! present here, right in front of your face Vanessa and you’re missing it.

Recently coming back from a trip home to the PNW it really dawned on me how treasured time with my “people” is– a true gift. Living far away from your village can be really hard, lonely at times even. Small reminders had me lusting to freeze time. Perhaps it was an overdue hug from a friend, a conversation with my mom, snuggles with my nephews and nieces, a back rub from my best friend, or a coffee with my sister. Morsels in time that seem so simple and ordinary in the scheme of life are suddenly feeling like moments I’m longing for. Fretting the goodbye well before it’s even time to say ciao.

Goodbyes never get easier, even though I’ve been doing it basically my whole adult life. College across state, post grad living in Los Angeles and now residing across the country. You’d think I’d be a professional at saying “see ya later” by now. Ironically, I think it actually gets harder. The idea of time is so much more precious to me as I get older. I often find myself saying “please let this moment last forever.”

On the other side, it’s this current time in my life. Living in an endless summer with my beautiful (not so) babies anymore who are thriving and taking this world by storm. Doing this all with my guy person at my side. It’s beach hair and warm skin. It’s impromptu buggy rides with not a care in the world. This life, right now is blissful, challenging and exhilarating all at the same time, I know I’ll miss it. I feel it in my bones how much I’ll miss it.

Reminiscing on when we moved to Florida with a not even walker and a toddling-toddler at the helm of what’s soon to be the best years of our life. In a blink, it’s been nearly three years and I still feel like it was yesterday we were setting up for our first beach day.

“I wish we knew we could know we are in the good ol’ days before we have already left them” The office

It’s moments with my kids, (when they aren’t being sass-holes, that is) when they are sharing and playing happily with each other. It’s unexpected “I love you mammas” when you need it the most. It’s hand holding when they need to feel safe, it’s early snuggles on a sun soaked morning. It’s the look they give you, that you just know how much they truly adore you. I miss them and they are happening.

You’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this–

Trace Adkins

I fear the day when I wake up and all the good days are behind me. I know this seems so irrational and insane but I can’t seem to suppress these feelings right now. I want to be forever young, with health on my side, my children to stay little and innocent forever.

With so much uncertainly in this world, I find comfort knowing I can keep my kids safe. They are under my roof, shielded by the safety of my arms. They can keep their innocence intact and look up to their Daddy and I like we hung the moon.

I find myself fretting the day when my bones are old and my body doesn’t work the way I want it to. The day when I can’t run or chase my children with ease. I’ve worked tirelessly to achieve this strong capable body I have today and I’m not ready to give it up.

I know in my heart these fears are so far from my current reality, but I am also aware that someday things will change. I just hope it’s a slow progression of change. Changes you can’t even see because they happen so gradually. The funny thing is, I wouldn’t dare trade my 33 year old self for my 22 year old self. I’ve worked far harder for this body, this mind, this life, than I did a decade ago. My life is so much more fulfilled then it was–even with more wrinkles, more worries and more baggage than I once had. Perhaps, that’s how it goes, perhaps thats how I will feel in another ten years or twenty, even.

It’s impossible for time to stand still, I know this– It’s a constant forward moving operation that never seems to slow. Quite the opposite, really. If there is anything I have learned it’s not to take it for granted.

I’m diligently working to be present, being aware of the preciousness of time and remembering to enjoy the simple daily pleasures. It’s so easy to become complacent and to get caught up in all of the ” I wish I had(s).” We are entangled in the hustle, the daily chores the silly stresses that are time snatchers. The constant worry about “what’s next” and what tomorrow will bring.

So here’s to today. Living in the RIGHT NOW. Not missing them because they are right smack in front of you. You just have to open your eyes wide enough to notice them. These small moments that really do equal the BIG moments. Here’s to not worrying about what tomorrow will bring, because “worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles, it takes away today’s peace.”

Its really a matter of perspective.