What does healthy look like {to me}:
This is SUCH a loaded question for me– I have so much to say on this topic I can’t possibly cover it in one post. I’ve decided to turn it in to a three part series. I want to share my story of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come. Hopefully inspiring you to look deeper in to your own story, what’s shaped YOU and what you’ve learned along the way. For those of you that are just beginning your own journey, I hope this helps you realize it’s never too late. It’s always a good time to find your way!
Every individuals idea of health is much different. It comes in all shapes, sizes, and fitness levels. What works for others may NOT necessarily work for you. And that’s okay! More than okay! Our bodies are uniquely designed just for us– it’s important to understand that, it’s not something that is one size fits all.
With that being said, thin people aren’t always the epitome of good health. Just the same, someone having curves doesn’t necessarily mean they are unhealthy. Health is more than a number on a scale. Or six pack abs. It’s more than a trendy diet and a 6 min mile. Health is a state of mind, a contentment, a healthy RELATIONSHIP with food— it’s a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual state of being.
My main for goal in this blog is to inspire you to live your personal best life. To obtain that “sunshine state” and feel healthy in ALL aspects of your life. To live a vibrant, balanced life, where you aren’t feeling victim to a confined box. Because this life is beautiful and should be enjoyed! It should be filled with yummy wine, great food and happy hour with your besties.
Where I’ve been…
As a young child I grew up always having been smaller framed–I didn’t have to think about food, weight, or ill fitting clothes, I was naturally thin. Awkwardly thin at times even. I was an active child, with a love for soccer, bike rides, climbing trees and playing in the woods until the darkness covered the yard. I grew up with a Father whom was a runner and an outside-the-box sports enthusiast (dirt biking, fishing, snowmobiling and skiing) I was always encouraged to try things, whether they scared me or not. Believe it or not I did them all, and I wasn’t half bad! I was pushed to play, imagine, to be outside- to move! I truly believe this was a pivotol piece of my foundation, building blocks of who I am today. A risk taker and an adventurer, a mover.
The turning point…
As Middle school and High School hit, (ahem, puberty) I began feeling more and more insecure. With more of my time getting filled with school work, social actives and the never ending high school pressures, I started to lose myself, slowly. My body was changing, I had bad skin, my weight began to fluctuate more and more. Mood swings, bouts of depressions that I couldn’t control. It wasn’t what I was used to– I was feeling like I was watching my life from outside my own body. It wore on me. Food didn’t run my life, but I had a horrible relationship with it. It was always in the back of my mind- can I eat this? should I eat this? I was no longer just “naturally thin” anymore, I had to make efforts to stay in shape. The fear of being “fat” regularly haunted me. It was consuming.
Oddly enough food was also the only thing in my life I felt like I could control. I could count the calories, I could run it off, I could skip meals. This lead to further depression, bulimia, self hate and major body dysmorphia. A really dark time, nonetheless. The funny thing is, I’m sure most people who knew me didn’t even know this about me. I don’t blame them, because I was a master disguiser– I certainly didn’t want people to know. I was ashamed. From the outside everything looked happy and “fine” but I wasn’t. I was in a war with myself, all the while putting on a brave face.
High School is a really tough time I think for a lot of people. Sure it’s a lot of fun, Friday night lights, school spirit, parties, always having friends around. But it’s also a time where some are becoming a “woman” or a “man” — hormones are raging. Mean girls. Mean boys! Peer pressure. Impossible standards, and constantly trying to keep up.
Lucky for me, I did get help. I knew this wasn’t something I could handle on my own anymore. I was tired of feeling like a victim, feeling so consumed by this endless fight. Thank goodness for my family, my friends, and doctors — with their help, support and constant check-ins I got better, little by little.
During college, I was just like most 18-21 year olds, drinking too much, late night munchies, poor eating habits, triple shot coffees for breakfast and tirelessly living at the gym. I thought eating canned green beans with spray butter (GICK) and yogurt parfaits with fruit loops (what’s up WSU cub!) was me being a ‘smart’ eater. Truthfully, it WAS hard– surviving on a tiny budget, eating cafeteria food and then living in a sorority where I didn’t even have a choice on food. We got what we got, and that was it. Usually calorie loaded, fried, and extra buttery for flavor. I’d try to counteract it by burning countless calories at the gym, or running 8+ miles around the track– Needless to say, it wasn’t a healthy way of living. Small framed or not, I was not taking care of me. Mentally I was in a much healthier place, however. I wasn’t consumed anymore, I wasn’t as worried about food. My past mistakes had resonated and I knew I didn’t want to go down those dark roads again. I truly was much happier- “freshman 10” and all. Truthfully, it was some of the best years of my life.
In my mid-twenties I was beginning to understand my body a little better. I was making smarter choices here and there, but still cutting meals and crash dieting. Living on bad protein bars, microwave popcorn and empty calories. {Mixed in with a little bit of lean chicken, veggies and fruit, I swear!} I traded in the college Busch lights and sugary Mikes Hard Lemonades for vodka sodas and Coors light, yay {baby steps!} Slowly, the college puffiness started to come off, thankfully, cus’ girl, that was not a good look. It was never just easy for me though. I was constantly failing and sabotaging myself with diets and once I found one, the next week there was conflicting information about why that diet wasn’t good. It was exhausting! Why did it have to be so hard?! There had to be a better way to feel good and not be consumed with rules and relentless workouts.
What I began to understand…
Honestly, until I wrote this all out chronologically I didn’t realize HOW BAD it was. How hard it once was. Having come from such an unhealthy place has really shaped who I am today, its guided me to a much healthier happy place.
Ironically, even through the downs and the up’s in my childhood and young adult life, I still feel grateful. It wasn’t all bad I swear! I learned so many valuable lessons. What to do better, what to not do, I learned about GRACE. I also realized we all have our own struggles and insecurities. They may look a little different, and some may be better at fighting them- some may even be still fighting them. I hope one day I can lend a listening, empathetic ear as my own children go through their own body issues. Because it’s real, not vanity.
Most importantly, remember you don’t have to struggle in silence. You can lean on your friends or family. There is NO shame in telling your story and getting yourself help. It’s the least selfish thing you can do. We all need a little self love ❤️
I look forward to sharing my journey of obtaining my own “sunshine state” with you on PART TWO of my series! Stay tuned ✌🏻
sunshinestateofmine 